I've been thinking. I wonder why I don't write when I'm happy, only when I'm sad or confused or in some sort of miserable pathetic state of emotion. I think it's because happiness is a hot air balloon you float on, and who doesn't enjoy the sensation of being weightless? But sadness, anger, etc. is a heavy weight and you have to kick that weight off before you're thrown into the ocean. I kick off my weight by venting.

The Things They Carried

By Tim O'Brien

It's a beautiful book. I love it. It actually makes me physically feel when I read the book. I can feel my stomach turning into knots and my guts aching. You should read it.

I dreamt...

I dreamt that I had a younger sister and we were in our mid 20's. My name was Emily and her name was Jane or Janette. Something like that. Janette met this guy and she became infatuated with him. I didn't like him. They started dating. Then they had sex. The guy didn't seduce Janette, he more of convinced her. She was a virgin and she didn't want to have sex with him but he persuaded her. That was when I realized he was actually Satan. Satan fucked Janette and took her virginity. He fucked her from behind and was rough and she cried. In the morning I went into the room and took Janette in my arms. The sheets were covered in blood and she was covered in blood and she was weak and sore. I felt helpless because I didn't want her to be with Satan, but she was an adult and could make choices for herself, so I just held my little sister and she cried. Satan was becoming angry with me because I didn't want him near my sister and now he was trying to kill me. He would whisper promises of raping and mutilating and torturing me and I was running. Somewhere in this process I realized I was married and prayed to get away from Satan so I could see my husband again. My husband had glasses in my dream. Then Satan hissed something to me while chasing me and trying to club me with a pipe. He told me I was pregnant. At first I denied it because I had never had sex with my husband or anyone, but through out the dream I knew I was pregnant and now I was running not because I was trying to save my life, but because I was trying to save my baby's life.

I forced myself awake.

"I wish, I wish, with all my heart..."

Story of my life.

I set myself up for disappointment.