Legs crossed
Hands folded
Eyebrow cocked
One corner of her mouth
pulled up
in an
interrogating
sideways
smile.
The smile that says:
“There’s more to you
that you’re not telling me”
And that dreaded gaze.
That horrible
Dreaded
Gaze.
It’s friendly
but it’s trying to pick me
a
p
a
r
t
Piece by piece.
No one has ever done that to me
reading the spines of her books
I almost have their order memorized
Schizophrenia, OCD, Bi-Polar, Multiple Personality Disorder
Anxiety
Depression
But she keeps gazing
keeps picking
Pulls away the frayed edges of my cover
all over.
I smear across the walls.
I am smudged into the carpet.
The tiny pill.
The pill that contains
happiness?
Yes.
Open mouth
Insert pill
Close mouth
Swallow
c o n t e n t m e n t
9 comments:
You changed the type size and some of the organizational stuff. And the end . C o n t e n t m e n t with the spaces like that.
I love the final version. The best part is how you separate the word apart.
Well i notice that you elaborate more on what the pill is all about. not like "little blue pill" but you let us know what the pill was for. Nice. You also didn't stain the carpet, you smudged it. The janitors thank you. Go you.
I can definitely tell you changed a lot without re-reading the first version again.
I noticed you separated all the letters of "apart" onto separate lines.
A lot of the ending is the same in the first and final versions.
You also changed "the corner of her mouth" to "one corner of her mouth." Small change, but hey, I saw it so I mentioned it.
Also the "in an interrogating sideways smile" you separated onto four different lines instead of just three.
Quite an improvement for sure.
And...I guess that's all I'm supposed to do...
why is it her final version? why can't it just be her. or...final version?
wow. so like...this opens up so much emotion in me lol...i like the 2nd wayy better and how u spread apart ur words....awesome
I absolutley love how you added "but it's trying to pick me
a
p
a
r
t"
It adds great emphasise to your poem and def. grabs the readers attention :)
You changed the imagry, 'i Smear across the walls. i am smudged into the carpet.' different images then what you had before.
'a
p
a
r
t'
that was a great way to say that. brought emphasis to each one being seperate. piece by piece like you wrote.
I liked how you seperated the "apart" and "contentment" I also liked how you used stronger verbs like smear and smudged. Nice job!
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