Okay, so I'm not entirely happy with this. And I need some more meat to the last conversation between Jed and Danny. I'd appreciate it if you guys could give me some suggestions for what else they could chit chat about.
Jed was hiding behind one of the ivy covered brick pillars, sucking on a freezy
pop. Her lips were currently tinted blue and were in the process of turning red. Emily was offering her an entire box of freezy pops if Jed kept out of trouble and stuck to the back of all rooms, but Jed was starting to get impatient. A freezy pop can keep you entertained for only so long, you know. Jed looked down at her Mickey Mouse watch. Mickey had a large smile, and his two arms were crossed in a position that seemed to be quite uncomfortable.
She barely noticed when her mother briskly walked out into view. There was someone else out there. He was a tall, muscular man with a clean shaven face and short brown hair. There was some hushed talking on her mother’s part, a confused look on the stranger’s face. Now things were getting more interesting for Jed.
“Do you remember anything at all?” Emily asked, sounding frustrated. The guy shifted his weight to the other foot, taking a moment to think.
“Oh yeah! You’re the chick who dropped those hot garlic mashed potatoes on my crotch!” he said, his face brightening with realization. In contrast to him, Emily’s face fell, with an expression of complete disbelief.
“Are you serious?!” her voice had gone up an octave or two and cracked mid sentence.
“No drunken night comes to your mind from ten years ago? No drunken night 7 months later? Does the phrase: ‘Here’s twenty dollars. Buy a nice house for you and kid’ ring a bell at all?!”
Jed had begun to tune herself out once more. This stuff was getting boring, and she had no idea what her mother was talking about, or how she knew this man. The conversation went on longer. It seemed to get more heated, more frustrated and confusing.
“You have a nine year old daughter in this world, and I think it’s high time you come into her life!” Emily’s voice was a deadly hiss as she jabbed her finger into his chest. He winced, and rubbed his sore spot as Emily stomped back to the reception. Her aura said: death to anyone who talked to her.
Jed was frantically sucking on plastic now, her juicy ice long gone. Her eyes were wide as she stared at this man who was… her dad?
“What does mom mean by ‘drunken nights’?” Jed suddenly asked, her voice slightly scratchy from lack of use. The man turned around to look at her, and his eyes widened. His mouth formed silent words as he stared at Jed, and Jed stared back at him. Jed made it into a staring contest. And he was good at not blinking. It was just a question really. She didn’t understand why he took so long.
“H-hey kiddo.” He said, the words rolling off his tongue awkwardly. “What’s your name?”
“Jed Corey Garrison. I was born on January 29th. And I like freezy pops,” she said, producing the mangled plastic.
“Danny Kingler. My birthday is August 7th. I like bee- erm... I like soda.”
Jed looked up at the Danny. It was an awkward silence between them, but Jed seemed oblivious to it. She inserted her freezy pop wrapper back in her mouth, grinding it between her molars.
“So… what are you doing to keep yourself entertained?” Danny asked her eventually.
“I watch Mickey.” Jed showed him her watch. Danny cleared his throat a couple of times. He scratched the back of his, sighing several other times.
“They are… the Father-Daughter song is playing.” He said and Jed smiled. He had freckles across his nose, just like her. Her mom didn’t have any freckles.
“Do you want me to be your dad tonight?” he asked, and Jed nodded her head.
“Does it have to be just tonight?” she asked, and Danny shrugged.
“Maybe not. Maybe I can be your daddy tomorrow too. We’ll have to look into that.”
“Okay. But I don’t know how to dance.”
”

7 comments:
Shucks folks thats cute. I think they build that relationship a little too fast. I mean its liek, hi, hi, i like freezy pops, i like beer. Wanna be my daddy?, sure......ladee dee da.
But seriously its pretty awesome.
Maybe add more like awkward silences and som questioning of what drunken night. Maybe a little apologizing, it doesnt matter who. that could make it intresting. draw it out. it could work pretty well.
ok so in mine i have Jed run into Tony...its pretty meaningless...do you want me to get rid of that or do you want to incorporate it into yours? It doesnt matter either way with me.
why are freezy and pop in two different paragraphs...? um, in my story i use third person limited as well but i have Jed call Emily "mom". so...we should probably pick one.
haha, i love the mickey mouse line in yours. i think you should repeat that Jed is behind a pillar before Emily and Danny start talking. why does Jed tune out? she's never met her father before, she should be interested at the idea of this being her father. i think you should either continue the conversation or have something catch Jed's eye so she stops paying attention. i'm kinda iffy on the "her aura said" line.
LOVE Jed's description of herself. way to go. i don't quit understand what Danny's going for with "i like bee-erm..." i think you should extend that word a little longer.
"Jed looked up at the Danny"? why is he "the Danny?"
um...i'm not so sure about the "i watch mickey" for fun line. F-TASTIC ending. you're amazing, go you.
Ahhhh. Okay, so i will incorperate some of the same dialogs and such. It will be the bestest story ever!!!!
I really like this. The ending is really nice and I like the fact that it's sweet instead of tragic. I really don't have any criticism. Good job!
"Mickey had a large smile, and his two arms were crossed in a position that seemed to be quite uncomfortable." Made me smirk a little. Just thought I'd let you know.
So if Danny wasn't in Jed's life for 9 years, I don't get why he'd be so quick to adopt the role of being her father...Maybe that's what you meant by more "meat" at the end?
I think that Danny should turn to Emily for assurance on the subject. The subject being the Father-Daughter dance aand obviously Jed in general. Maybe make him a little more hesitant? He doesn't really seem like the most responsible fellow because of the 9-year absence soooo...yeah.
Other than that, I liked it. Good job.
i think that sounds pretty good to me. overall u did a pretty good job. i think lol. the last part sounded a little werid tho.
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